Did You Ever Tell Him No?

Creative Nonfiction Contest Runner-Up

Nic Job

The first time I should have said no was in Wales. That was when I learned that hesitantly nodding my head when he asked, “Is this okay?” before kissing me meant “Yes.” That he would continue, take off all of my clothes for better access, grate the rough calluses on his fingers against sensitive skin that had never been touched before. A nod meant “Yes,” and “Yes” meant “Yes to everything, all the time. Anytime. Wake me up with your clammy fingers clasping my breast and your morning breath clogging my throat—I don’t mind.” Wales was when I learned that not all boys are Jonathan. Not all boys will just hold you, naked on the floor, hard-on digging into your thigh, and be okay leaving it at that.

Jonathan was my high school boyfriend. On again, off again. My first boyfriend, and the only one to last longer than a month. We never did much more than make out. Even when we ended up naked. He knew me better than I knew myself. I never had to vocalize my no. My first partner was the best one, and I lost him.

I’m an eternal optimist, so I tried again. I went to Wales.

The definitions of consent at Dictionary.com include both verb and noun. The first option for verb: “to permit, approve, or agree; comply or yield.” The first option for noun: “permission, approval, or agreement; compliance; acquiescence.” Comply (“to act or be in accordance with wishes, requests, demands, requirements, conditions”), yield (“to surrender or submit, as to superior power”), compliance (“the act of conforming, acquiescing, or yielding; a tendency to yield readily to others, especially in a weak and subservient way; conformity; accordance; cooperation or obedience”), acquiescence (“to assent tacitly; submit or comply silently or without protest”).¹

The second time was when I lost my virginity to my gay best friend.

It was after our first date. That is, if not-holding-hands-because-he-didn’t-want-to-explain-how-I-made-him-question-his-sexuality-and-eating-pasta-in-the-cafeteria counts as a date. It was also our last. Something was missing, apparently. You can’t blame a guy for being gay. I couldn’t help but forgive him.

Lying on my back on his floor, choking on him and choking on why is this happening how did we get to this what is wrong with me aren’t I supposed to like this? He must not have seen me crying. If he’d known, he would have stopped.

If he’d known, he would have stopped.

Google: Fear of sex.

Erotophobia is a term used interchangeably with “sex-negative.” According to Wikipedia, researchers use it to refer to people who are less likely to talk about sex, who have guilt or fear associated with sex, or who have ingrained cultural taboos about sex. Erotophobes tend to have less sex with fewer partners over time and are less comfortable talking about it. Sometimes, it is considered an aversion to sex and is called “antisexualism.”²

Jonathan always knew, even before I did, if something would make me uncomfortable. He was good at encouraging me to push my own boundaries, without pushing me himself. I knew that always getting close enough to sex to get him hard and then stopping had to be frustrating, but he never complained. He would just kiss me, and hold me, and pet my hair until I stopped shaking. When he broke up with me the second time, the last time, I knew it was because I couldn’t give him what he needed physically. I couldn’t help but forgive him.

Healthline.com has a whole list of sex-related phobias: nosophobia, fear of getting a disease or virus; ~~gymnophobia, fear of nudity (seeing others naked, being seen naked, or both);~~ heterophobia, fear of the opposite sex; ~~haphephobia, fear of being touched as well as touching others;~~ coitophobia, fear of intercourse; tocophobia, fear of pregnancy or childbirth.³

Nosophobia? Fear, yes. It’s only logical. Phobia, probably not. Heterophobia? To be explored further. Coitophobia? There is etymology suggesting just fear of penetrative sex with the opposite gender. Maybe, but probably not quite. Tocophobia? Yes. Definitely. As afraid as I was of blowjobs after what happened, I never had nightmares about them the way I did about pregnancy.

Harley Therapy, one of London’s premier psychotherapy practices, explains the difficulty some people have with saying no: “We say yes to events we don’t want to attend, favours we don’t want to do, nights out with people we aren’t sure we even like, food we don’t really want, and jobs we hate… and the list goes on.” People who can’t say no are pleasers, people who are afraid that they won’t be able to get love just by being themselves, so they seek approval from others even to their own detriment. “Always giving in to the demands of others can make you secretly feel bad about yourself and leads to low self-esteem… you are going to start to feel manipulated.”⁴

Why does the dictionary definition of consent include words that imply subservience? Is the act of consenting also the act of giving up agency? Google only gives me laws; commercial law, business law, sexual assault law.

There was a girl I dated, the summer after freshman year of college. She wanted to be a barber. She had PTSD she didn’t handle well. She used it as an excuse for erratic behavior but refused to get treatment, and often told me that if I broke up with her she would give up on her dreams and let her parents’ abuse continue instead of moving out and going to school. I dated her for nearly five months. I had trouble with girls thinking I was straight and therefore not dating me, and she was small and cute and delicate. I brought her home to spend the night. We made out on the bed. We’d already talked about past bad experiences and the importance of communicating, so when my nipples started burning I asked her to play with something else.

She had a panic attack.

If communicating is going to hurt my partner so much, shouldn’t I just go along with things? I can deal. I have a high pain tolerance.

The third time was two years later. I told my sister I didn’t really like sex, and she told me I just hadn’t had a good enough partner, hadn’t practiced it enough. She told me so many times that I believed her.

The third time was a hook up with a dude from my Dungeons and Dragons group who was a self-proclaimed sex-addict. He should be practiced enough, right? We kicked his roommates out to fuck on his tapestry-draped dorm bed before my extra credit meeting. By the time I realized he didn’t have a condom on, I was already pushing against his chest and saying, “Hey, wait. Easy. That hurts.” More than I expected it to.

“I am going easy.”

I felt guilty pleasure for leaving a bloodstain on his sheet.

“The penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim.”

Rape, as defined by the Attorney General.⁵

Planned Parenthood organized consent into an acronym:

FRIES
Freely given. Consenting is a choice you make without pressure, manipulation, or under the influence of drugs or alcohol.
Reversible. Anyone can change their mind about what they feel like doing, anytime. Even if you’ve done it before, and even if you’re both naked in bed.
Informed. You can only consent to something if you have the full story. For example, if someone says they’ll use a condom and then they don’t, there isn’t full consent.
Enthusiastic. When it comes to sex, you should only do stuff you WANT to do, not things that you feel you’re expected to do.
Specific. Saying yes to one thing (like going to the bedroom to make out) doesn’t mean you’ve said yes to others (like having sex).⁶

The one thing I told Jonathan was that I didn’t want to have sex until I got on birth control. His mom offered to take me to Planned Parenthood so my parents wouldn’t know, but I was too scared to do it. Somehow, my mom would find out.

There were, of course, other things we could do. But every time I touched his dick, I started to panic, so I stopped trying. Kissing was good. Making out was good. Naked cuddling was good. Why couldn’t we just leave it at that?

The Trevor Project, an LGBTQ+ non-profit that focuses on suicide prevention and education, emphasizes that asexuality is a spectrum. An asexual person is simply someone who doesn’t experience sexual attraction; it’s not that they don’t want sex or physical intimacy at all. I read a piece of fiction once that used the words “sex repulsed” for one end of the spectrum and “sex friendly” for the other. The Trevor Project doesn’t specify, or try to give a definition; it just gives a list of things asexual people might want or need:

Aces Might

Want friendship, understanding, and empathy
Fall in love
Experience arousal and orgasm
Choose to masturbate
Choose to engage in sexual activity
Choose not to engage in sexual activity
Be of any gender, age, or background
Have a spouse and/or children⁷

Things the Trevor Project does not include in its list: crave physical affection, not know how to say no, feel trapped in sexual situations that make them uncomfortable in order to please their partner, like some sexual activities but not others, be confused.

I wasn’t on birth control yet when I lost my virginity to my best friend. He had a dildo, so we were just going to use that. When that wasn’t close enough, wasn’t intimate enough, wasn’t satisfying enough, we used a condom and he pulled out. That part was all right—I try to remember that. He knew the way I held the pressure points in my neck to ground myself. Could tell when I felt like I had to perform. Was willing to figure out what worked for us. He was my best friend.

Until we went to the floor.

According to the Seattle Police Department:

“Sexual assault is any type of sexual contact or behavior that occurs without the consent of the recipient.

“Sexual assault occurs when a person is forced, coerced, or manipulated into any unwanted sexual activity.

“Sexual assault is never your fault.”⁸

Where is the line between a “bad experience” and sexual assault or rape?

The fourth time, I was lonely. I was lonely every other time as well, but the fourth was the only time I did it because I was lonely. I’d downloaded Bumble again, and he asked if I wanted to come to his place and watch a movie. I knew it wasn’t just to watch a movie—I’m not stupid—but I hoped we could have a moment of closeness without it going that far. I’d already told him I’d had bad experiences, told him about the floor, and my best friend. When he kissed me, I said I didn’t want to have sex, but making out was nice.

We had sex.

Oh, he was very kind and very gentle. Very encouraging.

“Let me show you what it’s supposed to be like.”

How do you say no to that?

“I want you to try to give me a blowjob.”

Never my fault. Really?

I try googling, “Who is to blame when consent is given reluctantly?” All I get are articles about the definition of consent. It’s not the question I want to ask, but it’s the only one I can put words to. How are you supposed to google, “If I said yes, even though I didn’t want to, is it my fault for not saying no or their fault for not picking up on my reluctance?”

I try just googling “blame.” Most of the results deal with a 2017 sci-fi anime about a cybertronic apocalypse.

I had practiced saying no to the mirror, but how do you say no pinned to the floor with a dick down your throat?

We agreed, “What happened in Wales stays in Wales.” Only suddenly that meant trapping me against the counter in my parents’ kitchen five months later, on New Year’s, when my father left the room. Meant coming up behind me and slotting his dick against my ass. Meant “Yes” still applied, even though it actually stopped applying after the first kiss.

His apology when he found out he had made me uncomfortable was heartfelt.

I couldn’t help but forgive him.

Genophobia: noun: the fear of sexual intercourse.

“Symptoms of genophobia can be feeling[s] of panic, terror, and dread. Other symptoms are increased speed of heartbeat, shortness of breath, trembling/shaking, anxiety, sweating, crying, and avoidance of others.

“Some of the main causes are former incidents of sexual assaults or abuse. These incidents violate the victim’s trust and take away their sense of right to self-determination.”

-Wikipedia⁹

I went back to number four. I went back to number four twice. I think I still hoped practice would help. I tried to tell myself the reason it felt like my insides were crawling out the base of my throat was only because he didn’t want to cuddle afterwards, even when I stayed the night. I thought maybe I could make a relationship work if I let my partner fuck me and then got my cuddles. I knew what made me the happiest was cuddles. I let my sister think I was cured.

One of my many Google searches lead me to The Asexual Visibility and Education Network, a non-profit run by activist David Jay. I spent hours on that website, but I returned constantly to one paragraph:

For some asexual people, arousal (sometimes interchanged with “libido” in asexual dialogue) is a fairly regular occurrence, though it is not associated with a desire to find a sexual partner or partners. This could include, but is not limited to, arousal from hormone variation in a person’s menstrual cycle, or erections at certain times of the day. Some may occasionally masturbate, but feel no desire for partnered sex. Other asexual people may experience little or no arousal, often called non-libidoist asexuals. Both types are equally valid in identifying as asexual, as sexual orientation is about attraction and desire towards other people, rather than strictly physiological reactions.

There were other paragraphs too; one discussing different attractions, the difference between aromantic and asexual, reasons asexual people can struggle to find healthy relationships. I read the page again. And again. Left it open on my computer to come back to.¹⁰

The fifth time, I wondered why he heard, “Wait five minutes” when he brought up blowjobs and I said, “That killed the mood.” I wondered why “Ouch” meant “Do it again” and “Hey easy” meant “Yes, please leave fingerprints on my ass.” I tried to distract him with my boobs, but he wanted to do that thing they do in movies where the dude tries to pick up the girl by her butt.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline has a page devoted to what they deem “Healthy Consent.” They have a whole list of things to consider about consent, but the first is this: “‘No means no’ is not good enough. It puts the responsibility on one person to resist or accept, and makes consent about what a partner doesn’t want, instead of what they do want.”¹¹